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Plus, the 13 questions you should be asking your partner BEFORE you get married.

There are a lot of myths about divorce that keep infecting our society. For starters, despite what we’ve heard, the divorce rate actually is not 50 persent  In fact, that number is actually one that was a projected number based on the fact that the divorce rates were on the rise in the 70s and early 80s.

The reality, according to a piece by the New York Times this past December, is that divorce rates are dropping, meaning “happily ever after” is actually a pretty good possibility.

 We spoke to therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson, authors of the eye-opening book about marriage, The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, to get their take on modern marriage, the myths about divorce, and the expectations and facts that come with both.

Here’s what Gadoua and Larson had to tell us.

1. One in two marriages end in divorce
As I wrote above, that 50 percent statistic is wrong and was based on a projected number that is far too outdated. I mean, the 70’s were 40 years ago, and a lot has changed since then. While divorce rates increased in the 1970s and 1980s, they’ve actually dropped in the last 20 years.

The New York Times found that 70 percent of marriages that occurred in the 1990s actually reached their 15th year wedding anniversary. Statistics also show that thanks to people marrying later in life, maturity is helping to keep people together longer. At the rate that things are going, there’s a good chance that two-thirds of marriages will stay together and divorce will be unlikely.

So if the divorce rate isn’t 50 percent, what is it? It really depends on when couples married, explains Vicki. “Just under 15 percent of those who tied the knot in the 2000s have divorced, but many of those couples may not have had kids yet—kids add stress to marriage. Of those who married in the 1990s, 35 percent have split. Those who married in the 1960s and 70s have a divorce rate in the 40-45 percent range. And those who married in the 1980s are approaching a 50 percent divorce rate— the so-called gray divorce.”

2. Divorce harms children
According to Gadoua, divorce can be stressful on kids, but not so much harmful. What does the most damage is parents fighting in front of the kids.

“Think about it. Who likes to be around conflict all the time? Tension is contagious and kids in particular don’t have the tools or defenses to handle angry exchanges from their parents. There is a great deal of research indicating that what children need more than anything is a stable and peaceful environment. That may be with parents living together, but it can also occur when parents are living apart. The key is that parents get along and stay present for their children. Kids shouldn’t be caught in parental crossfire, used as a pawn or treated like a surrogate spouse. They should be able to relax and feel confident that their parents are in charge,” explains Gadoua.

3. Second marriages are more likely to end in divorce
While statistically this is true, Living Apart Together (LAT) marriages and things like conscious coupling are changing that by challenging the conventional norms of how a marriage should be and providing more options for how married people can live their lives.

Gadoua and Larson encourage couples to explore those options fully. “We’re all for you choosing a LAT marriage—or giving each other space in your existing marriage—because it offers you and your partner exactly what you want: connection and intimacy with enough freedom to avoid the claustrophobia that often comes with living together 24/7 as well as whatever it is that makes many people take each other for granted, whether they’re married or cohabiting.”

More from YouTango: 4 Big Mistakes I Made as a Husband (Psst! I’m an Ex-Husband Now)

4. Divorce equals “failure”
No way. Whether it’s a starter marriage (a marriage that ends within five years and doesn’t result in kids) or a marriage that has stood the test of time, divorce doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

“The only measure we have to determine whether a marriage is successful or not is by how long it lasts. Yet, there are many people who have healthier, better lives after divorce. Perhaps the couple has raised healthy kids who’ve flown the coop and now they want to take a different direction in their lives. Why is that a failure? Look at Al and Tipper Gore. The media was clamoring to place the blame somewhere, yet there was no one and nothing to blame. Their marriage simply ended with both of their blessings,” say Gadoua and Larson.

5. Wedding size and cost relate to the length of a marriage
Earlier this month The New York Times published a piece on the correlation between the size and cost of a wedding and its effect on the length of a marriage. While the authors of the study, Andrew Francis-Tan and Hugo M. Mialon, said that wedding expenses and marriage duration could be “inversely correlated,” they couldn’t pinpoint which wedding, expensive or inexpensive, would have a higher chance of divorce.

Gadoua and Larson agreed, in a roundabout way. Although lavish expenses on an engagement ring and a wedding could mean the marriage will start off with a lot of debt, and nothing strains couples more than money, “What our studies and what research by others seem to indicate is that personalities — being empathetic, generous, appreciative, etc.—and matched expectations are much better gauges of whether a marriage is going to last happily.”

6. You can (and should) divorce-proof your marriage
As Larson wrote in an essay for Divorce360, “you can’t affair- or divorce-proof a marriage because you can’t control another person’s behavior, you can only control your own.”

When we asked her about this topic she explained: “You can’t control your partner’s behavior and if you could that would be really dangerous! You can be the best possible spouse and do all the things relationships experts recommend — from dating your spouse to having great and frequent sex to being a supportive, appreciative partner—and still end up divorced.”

Larson also added that you shouldn’t even want to divorce-proof your marriage, because sometimes it’s healthier to let go and move on.

7. Living together before marriage lowers the chance of divorce
It has often been said that those who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, but recent studies say that’s not true.

A 2014 study by associate professor Arielle Kuperberg from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro found that contrary to myths that either living together or not living together before you’re married actually has nothing to do with whether or not those couples will divorce. In her research, Kuperberg found what really plays a role is just how young these people decide to cohabitate, because “settling down too young is what leads to divorce.”

LAT marriages also are throwing a wrench in the correlation between cohabitation and its effects on divorce. Couples, especially older ones, are choosing to live apart, but manage to keep their marriage very happy, healthy, and alive.

More from YourTango: 4 Big Mistakes I Made as a Wife (Psst! I’m an Ex-Wife Now)

8. Infidelity breaks up marriages.
While it’s easy to say that infidelity is the major cause of marriages ending, that isn’t always the case.

As Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating told Larson, “Infidelity does not break marriages up; it is the unreasonable expectation that a marriage must restrict sex that breaks a marriage up… I’ve seen so many long-term relationships broken up simply because one had sex outside the relationship. But feeling victimized isn’t a natural outcome of casual sex outside a relationship; it is a socialized victimhood.”

9. If you’re unhappy at a certain point in your marriage, you’re going to get divorced
Marriage isn’t easy. It’s something that requires a lot of energy, understanding, and most importantly communication. Just because you’re unhappy at a certain point, doesn’t mean divorce is inevitable – every marriage has a bad patch.

But if that bad patch is more than just a patch and you’ve really given it your all, including attending couples counseling (“three or four sessions aren’t enough,” says Gadoua) for several months or a year, then maybe it’s time to call it quits. However, a short-lived unhappiness doesn’t warrant an end.

LAT Marriages & Parenting Marriages: Two modern relationship models you need to know about.
There’s no doubt about it: the shape of marriage is definitely changing. Gadoua and Larson discuss several alternative couplings that are becoming more mainstream in their book. These are two less-traditional marriages that are undoubtedly becoming more popular.

“LAT relationships are pretty big in Europe, especially Great Britain, and are also growing in the States. For young people, it generally is a reflection of  the so-called emerging adulthood period, when they’re spending more time in school and building careers,” Vicki explains. “But for older people, who may be divorced or widowed, it’s more a reflection of their desire for commitment and freedom, and also, especially for women, a way to not fall into gendered patterns of housekeeping and caregiving.

As for couples who get together to co-parent, some may be romantic partners, but that’s not always the case. “There are websites like Modamily.com just for that purpose,” says Vicki. “We interviewed a couple that was committing to each other and their child for 18 years, with an option to renew, so they could give their child the stability and consistency children need to thrive.

Couples may even transition their traditional marriage into a parenting marriage. “Some couples that are not happy after kids come along and might have divorced in the past are opting to convert their marriage into a parenting marriage,” say Gadoua and Larson. “They stay in the same home and remove the romantic equation from their partnership, which reduces conflict while allowing each of them to spend time with the children. This week alone, Susan helped two couples transfer their marriage from traditional to parenting.”

Forgiveness: Food for Health & Happiness

My common sense says that the anger, resentment and blame that many people hold on to, often for years, account for a lot of health problems, and learning how to forgive could prove to be curative and preventative.

“Forgiving and releasing old hurts from your system is like taking a mental and emotional bath,” says HeartMath founder and stress researcher Doc Childre. “Notice how people bathe their bodies on a regular basis, yet they will store negative, toxic junk in their mental and emotional natures for years without a cleanup.”

Negative emotions, such as anger, resentment and blame, can cause stress to build up in the body; where there is excessive stress, there is the potential for all sorts of physical, mental and emotional problems. Most notably, elevated stress levels can impair the body’s immune system, putting you at risk for heart disease, chronic pain and depression, among many other debilitating conditions.

A Philadelphia-based nonprofit believes the failure to forgive, what it calls “unforgiveness,” is a major problem in the world today. “We believe that unforgiveness is one of the most destructive problems of our day,” the organization, Release!, states “Unforgiveness can ruin our relationships, rob us of our happiness, and even impact our physical health. Unfortunately, unforgiveness is also one of the problems that is most likely to be ignored and dismissed.

“It is a problem, however, that people have the power to solve, by learning to forgive,” Doc Childre said, stressing that, “it is not something you can learn overnight.”

I have found in my life that to forgive, people need to dislodge their judgments, even before they fully understand why things happened. But most people want to understand why someone “wronged” them before they forgive. It’s a Catch-22 situation. This is what makes forgiveness so difficult and why people so often fail at it. After a while it seems easier to live in a state of pout, disdain, or resentment than to try the forgiveness process again.

But we can’t approach forgiveness as some sort of obligation. Forgiveness as an act of duty is not effective. It can leave you feeling as if you’ve done some good, but can mask over the resentment, rather than release it. Telling yourself, “I know I should forgive,” is not the same as forgiving. If there is no genuine feeling behind it, then your forgiveness lacks the sincere heart intent and commitment to release someone cleanly at mental, emotional, and cellular levels.

Nor can we approach forgiveness with the attitude of doing someone a favor. It’s important to remember that you’re the one who comes out the most by releasing the emotional baggage. Forgiveness upgrades your mental, emotional and physical well-being by reducing the neurochemicals that drain and debilitate your system.

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain

The following exercise created by Doc Childre can help you discover a deeper level of your heart power, where feelings such as compassion, tolerance, understanding and forgiveness reside

Forgiveness Exercise

• Think of a person or situation you have resented and want to forgive completely.
• Send all of the thoughts and emotions that come up in your head about the person or situation – “this includes past associations, memories, anger, hurt, resentments, etc.” – gently to the heart. As often as these thoughts or feelings pop up in your head again, simply send them to your heart, which is the clearinghouse for your emotions.
• At the same time, try to feel and send heart energy, love, compassion and forgiveness to the person or situation.

Special Notes about the Exercise:

You may have to practice this exercise a few times to bring the old head thoughts under heart management. With heart management, you are actually contacting a different level of intelligence within, known as heart intelligence. Heart intelligence has the power to quickly release old resentments and hurts, change your perceptions and bring you to a satisfying understanding of the situation.

Forgiving yourself can be the hardest thing to do. Often people feel that they must remember their wrongdoings and beat themselves up for it, or they will not learn from it. The opposite is true.

Often people feel that they are doing “good” by sustaining self-guilt. This is not true and creates a steady running stress deficit within their system. As you practice forgiveness from the heart, not just the mind, you clear the energy drains and reset your system for a fresh start. Sustaining guilt translates into increased aging which moves fast enough on its own.

It’s understandable that it’s hard to forgive yourself or others at times, yet practicing this exercise and making a genuine effort to do so from the heart really can help things work out better for all concerned. I’ve found this to be true in my life and would love to hear your stories of forgiveness.

Hidden Benefits of Tai Chi in the Bedroom

Increased circulation, lower tension and heightened sensitivity are just a few of the hidden benefits of Tai Chi for your sex life.

Tai Chi Chaun can be translated from the Chinese characters as the “supreme ultimate force.” It is thought to be associated with achieving the duality and balance of ying and yang (male/female, active/passive, dark/light, forceful/yielding, etc.).

Modern Tai Chi practice has been described as a moving form of yoga and meditation. The sets performed in Tai Chi consist of a series of movements, many derived from martial arts, performed slowly with smooth, even transitions.

The benefits of doing Tai Chi are many. The primary aim is circulate chi (a vital force within the body) throughout the system to enhance vitality and health. Practicing Tai Chi has been associated with improved strength, balance, mobility, immunity, flexibility and more.

It has benefits for your sexual health as well. Any type of exercise will have benefits for your sexual health for a number of reasons, but Tai Chi promises its own set of benefits apart from those of regular exercise.

Tai Chi has always been known for increasing sexual appetites and enhancing sexual performance. In the East it has been used as a treatment for impotence and low desire with reportedly successful results.

Chinese medicine practitioners will prescribe Tai Chi to those wanting to restore their sexuality vitality. Tai Chi practices improve the functioning of the kidneys, which are directly related to sexuality in Chinese medicine.

Tai Chi movements internally massage the prostate, bringing increased blood flow to the pelvic area. This increased blood flow in the pelvic region is beneficial for both men and women. The movements also improve the flow of energy between the genitals and the spine.

Tai Chi increases awareness and sensitivity to the body in general. This includes improved sensitivity to the erogenous zones.

The practice releases tension stored in the nervous system, which is believed to block female orgasm.

Increased flexibility and strength will allow you to perform better sexually, last longer and enjoy the sexual experience more.

Tai Chi teaches proper breathing techniques that will aid in prolonged performance, stamina, and more control over ejaculation for men.

Increasing the flow of chi throughout your body will improve your overall health. Without a healthy body, you can’t live up to your full sexual potential.

If you’re looking to improve your overall health, strength and well being, Tai Chi is a wonderful practice with innumerable benefits. A healthy body and mind will have a positive effect on many aspects of your life, including your sexuality.

Everything is connected, if you take good care of your body, mind and soul, you and your partner will reap the benefits in and out of the bedroom.

How to Express Your Feelings to the One You Love

Express consideration. Part of loving someone is wanting what's best for him or her. You can highlight this attitude by asking after your loved one's welfare. For instance, if you know he or she had a hard day yesterday, quietly ask how today is going. If you're running an errand, ask if you can pick up anything for your loved one while you're out. If he or she is facing a particularly difficult situation, communicate that you'd be glad to help out in anyway you can. Using your words to show how much you care can go a long way.

Pay him or her a compliment. A sincere compliment from the heart can be a subtle way of letting your loved one know how much you admire him or her. Pick out a nice physical feature (eyes and smile are always solid choices), personality trait or action to highlight. Whatever you choose, it should be something that makes the recipient feel happy and worthy.

• Know how to deliver a romantic compliment. Though the content of the compliment itself is nice, how you say it counts for a lot. Make the tone romantic by maintaining eye contact and keeping a half smile as you talk - it will make you naturally add appealing inflection to your voice. (Try this trick out when you answer the phone sometime and see if you notice a difference.) Keep the tones of your voice up, but lower the actual volume - speaking softly immediately communicates intimacy, and it can make people lean in closer to hear you. If this all sounds a bit difficult, practice it in front of a mirror. It's a good technique to know

Say "I love you". While you don't necessarily have to do this, it is the clearest way of communicating that you love someone. Here are some tips on making the experience more meaningful:

• Do it in person. Telling someone you love them over text, email or IM doesn't have the same impact as actually saying it out loud. If you can't handle being in that person's presence as you say it, do it over the phone.
• Manage your expectations. Don't let the experience hinge on whether or not the other person says it back. You should be saying it because you want to let him or her know how you feel, not because you need validation or expect something in return. Focus on being happy that you're able to express your feelings and make someone else feel admired.
• Pick the right time. Ideally, the moment that you tell someone you love them should be intimate and free of interruption. Pick a setting in which you can express yourself without feeling embarrassed or worried about someone else intruding.
• Keep the conversation low-pressure. Some people might see an "I love you" as indicating a higher level of commitment. Don't automatically assume the other person is ready to take the relationship to a closer level. Instead, preface your words by saying that you're not asking for anything in return and that you don't want the other person to feel pressured. This will help him or her enjoy the moment without worrying about what might be coming next.
• Maintain eye contact. It might seem terrifying to look into his or her eyes while you spill your guts, but try to do it. It will make you seem more honest and sincere, as well as enhancing the closeness of the moment.
• Don't allow an awkward silence. If the person you adore is quiet after your confession, find a way to start up normal conversation again. Say something like, "You don't have to say anything back. I'm just happy I could let you know how I feel" and carry on as usual. If a reply is coming, it will happen in its own time.

When Selfies Fight Back – Worst Selfies of all Time

Behold the selfie; that bold and wonderful homage to narcissism. What did we all do before we had iPhones and could take photos of ourselves anywhere at any time no matter the circumstances or if good taste was involved? How did we manage to not snap a quick shot in front of a burning building, at someone’s funeral, or in a public bathroom as the guy next to us was taking a whiz? We shutter (rim shot) to think what modern life would be like if we couldn’t document the amazing, the frightening, the absurd.

And speaking of absurd, here are 19 of the worst selfies of all time.

Well, upon first glance at this selfie two questions immediately come to mind. Question number one: why on earth even have a gumball machine if you’re not going to bother keeping it loaded? And question number two: Is it just us or are you mostly focused on the farmer’s tan? Just us? Okay. Wait, one more question: For the love of God will somebody please let the poor dog out of there?!